Parenting Your New Graduate

You have a new graduate, and you’re so proud! Now buckle up, because some of the hardest parenting is just around the corner.

This summer will probably have some terse moments, if you still want to enforce a curfew. Your 18-year-old wants none of that, because….he or she is 18. Practically independent, in their sophisticated opinion.

This summer may strain or change your relationship.

 

Before you panic….. God designed it like this. It is painful, yes….but there is purpose to it. The straining is readying you BOTH for the separation that is coming. The ugliness that rears its rebellious head this last summer in your home will prepare you to say “Buh, bye.”

Don’t think for one moment that goodbye will not be painful. Oh yes, it will be. But not as painful as it would be if your baby was a perfect angel all summer.  

Your graduate is going to push back on every rule you attempt to enforce. For what reason? 

Because they are eager to make their own decisions. Weren’t you, at this age? Freedom calls. Independence beckons. 

 

The push-pull, the tension, the challenging of rules escalate during the last summer at home.  But I want you to be thankful. Your heart is being prepared for the distance that begins occurring now, but will happen for real come August. 

 

Let’s get honest about why this summer is so hard. Letting go of the child you have raised is HARD.  Watching them get air in their sails and make for a land far away (or close by) is HARD. Watching them make decisions solo, without mom and dad’s help is HARD. Letting them mess some things up is HARD.

 

I have walked through this summer, and it was hard. I adored my son in the morning, and greeted him with eggs in the skillet. I wanted to soak up every last moment together. But when it was 2 pm and he was still playing video games, the loving feeling would wear off. The 18th time I told him to wash his pile of laundry = no love. When he would kiss me and say I’ll see you later when he went out at night…all the hugs! But when he didn’t come home by curfew? The love flew out the nearest window and was replaced by fury. The parent/child relationship was like riding a rollercoaster.

 

Some days I would get hit with the reality that he only had a few more weeks at home, and how could he make it at college (without me!!!)? Other days I was ready to set all his belongings on the front steps and let him figure it out. There were weeks when all I wanted was to create special memories (the last trip to the zoo! The last family dinner!), and other times I didn’t even want to be around him. This is all normal!

 

Remember that all this training, nurturing, parenting, raising, has been to bring your child to the place where they can be independent! Our goal is for our children to become self-sufficient! And in order to transition from training, nurturing, and parenting to independence and self-sufficiency, there will be a natural pulling-away that will occur. There will be grieving, as we accept our children need us less and less. There will be days too, when they will exert their independence in not the right way or place or time, and we will have to correct that. 

You raised them for this: to be an independent adult. To make their own decisions. To be equipped to stand for what they believe in. To handle the challenges life will throw them. YOU have parented them for this transition.

The time is fast-approaching when they will make their decisions without us! When my son left for college, he no longer had to tell anyone where he was going, or who he would be with! He didn’t have a curfew or anyone telling him he needs to eat breakfast! He made those decisions at college for himself. And you know what? He made it, as did all of us!

 

This summer, maybe you will experience all the feelings. Some days the interactions might be hard. Some days are easy breezy. BUT you are equipped to parent this child of yours, whether he or she is delightful in this season or not. 🙂

Some things today I want you to know:

• You’re not alone. You’re not the only parent to feel this angst. Many have gone before you and their relationship with their child is still intact.
• It’s okay to feel lots of feelings. It’s okay to feel frustration toward your child. It’s okay to feel anger and disappointment and bitterness. It’s okay to bite your tongue to keep the not-so-nice words from coming out, and it’s also okay if they come out sometimes. (You’re child is an adult (their words, not mine), so they can handle adult words and adult irritation!)
• It’s okay to still enforce rules or curfew.
• It’s okay to re-evaluate when things aren’t working.
• It’s normal to start super-strict and then realize maybe you can let up on some things.
• It’s also completely normal to not know you needed to be stricter or more explicit on your expectations and make adjustments as the summer goes on.
• It’s okay to lavish them with love and kick them in the butt the next moment! If you’re riding a roller coaster of emotions, you might as well make sure they feel it too!

 

All the love to you mamas, as you figure this out. Don’t we all wish there was a manual??? You will make it. I’m sending you hugs and encouragement.  Just keep doing what mama’s do best- -nurturing…. and scolding, as needed. 🙂