Sibling Love and Rivalry

It’s National Siblings Day!

A few thoughts, written for my kids, I want to share with you today.

I know growing up with four kids in the family is not easy. I hope you see it as a blessing. I believe each one of you kids is a gift to our family, and I cannot imagine life without any one of you. You each bring your own unique view on life, your own whimsy, your own fire and your own sweetness and love. I treasure you.

One of the things I hope you have learned in our home is kindness toward others. I’ve wanted to model that, and I’ve required that of you. I know sometimes you think this is a stupid requirement, but I want you to know WHY I want you to be kind and do right by your brothers and sisters.

1. First off, these are the only siblings you get. And they are the people you will use to develop your people skills. Yes, you can manipulate and lie and make life miserable for each other, but those are not life skills I hope you carry into adulthood. Your siblings may not be the easiest people to get along with. They may have the complete opposite personality as you. But hello, this is life! And in life, you have to learn how to accept people with all kinds of personalities and behaviors. The cool (and the bad) thing about siblings is that they can’t go anywhere, at least not for awhile. You’ll have plenty of days to practice navigating what works with them and what doesn’t.  This means you will have to say you’re sorry, lots of times. You will also receive apologies from them, and you won’t want to forgive or move on, but you will have to (otherwise you will sit in your room). You will have to forge agreements that sometimes look like a tape line down the middle of the room to separate your stuff. You will learn to broker deals, like turning ‘you took my shirt without asking’ into an advantage: “So I am going to wear your shorts to the party this weekend.” This is your practice for the real world, and these people are stuck with you, for better or worse. (And let’s remember, you’re not always a peach yourself.)
2. Showing respect for people means I don’t have to like you to be kind to you. I don’t have to agree with you to be kind to you. I am kind to you because you have value. Requiring that we show respect at home starts with showing respect for brothers and sisters. Just because your brother is little and you can topple him easily, doesn’t mean you should. There are consequences. Just because your sister is behaving badly doesn’t mean you can sit on her or cover her mouth with your hand. The same goes for talking about each other. You may not call your brother a wimp and you don’t call the toddler a brat. We use our words to speak kindness to each other, or you can be silent. We all have to deal with bad behaviors throughout our lives. People aren’t nice. Your siblings aren’t always nice. But we still treat people with respect, the kind of respect we would like to get in return.
3. I will not force you to be together all the time. I know you get tired of playing with your siblings. I know they annoy the snot out of you. I know that thing they do every time they walk by makes you want to punch them in the face. In a perfect world, you’d be each other’s best friends, but it’s not a perfect world! I will give you times to play alone, and if possible, give you a place to call your own, in which you won’t be bothered by siblings, at least for a set time. Maybe it’s just crawling up in the top bunk to read or play with a toy, but at least you can do it in peace. I will also seek out opportunities for you to play with other groups of kids, and to do so away from your brothers and sisters. It’s good for you to develop your personality and people skills apart from your normal role in the family.
4. As you get older, I will encourage you to recognize their brother’s and sister’s strengths and weaknesses. You, too, have your strengths and weaknesses. None of us are the whole package; we each are a mixed bag of positive and negative traits. We will celebrate your strengths and we will assist in your weaknesses, just as I expect you to do for your siblings. I hope that the years of learning this will grow into empathy for others, particularly those who might be slower, weaker, less witty, or just plain obnoxious.

Happy Siblings Day! I hope you will celebrate your siblings who have grown alongside you. I hope you will champion them and I hope you will be friends. Family is such a gift!