When Being a Mom Isn’t Fulfilling

It would feel dreamy. I would smile as I tuck my kids into bed and watch them fall asleep.
I would look like the mom in the cartoons laying on the couch with disheveled hair and toys everywhere…but I would smile inwardly at a day-well-done.
It’s all I dreamed of: it started with the proposal, then the picture-perfect wedding. Next the house, the boy, the girl, another boy and girl, even the mini-van, for heaven’s sake. Everything I wanted.
And now I’ve been doing this for a while. I’m getting the hang of being mom. I can usually pull off the tasks/activities/doctor appointments/getting the kids to eat one bite of vegetables.
So why do I have this nagging? I can’t shake it. It’s not always there, but sometimes it is. I remind myself ‘This is your DREAM!’, and yes, I know that. So why do I feel discontent? Although I have the beautiful moments of watching my child sleep or learning to ride their bike, the overwhelming feeling that sometimes grips me is: I thought this would be fulfilling.
And yes, in so many ways it is fulfilling. I feel full when I remind myself of all the memories we are making, when I know my children are learning and creating, when I see him show kindness to another child or his sibling. I feel full when I look at how well she is doing in school, when she memorizes her Bible verse and conquers the skill that was elusive.
And maybe sometimes I envy what others have, the high-fives, the atta-boys. I feel nameless and unappreciated. Maybe it’s less about the role, and more about the lack of thanks, or feeling that someone recognizes the hard job I’m doing every day.
Although I wouldn’t trade my role of mom with anyone else or for any other role, I’d just like to be noticed.
Here’s what I have to do when I feel like I’m drowning in oblivion.
• There are few accolades for moms. You get one day a year: Mother’s Day. Other than that, an occasional thank you from your child or note of encouragement from your husband. Get used to it. That’s why we, as moms, need to encourage each other. Because we’re all doing this really hard job and no one can “get it” like another mom. I’ve never had to explain my ‘hard’ to another mom; she just knows. So, offer another mom some approval or a high five or a text. Tell her she’s doing a good job, because maybe she hasn’t heard that in months! We understand how hard it can be.

• I shouldn’t have expected motherhood to be like a job. Jobs have performance reviews….and let’s be honest, do I really want a performance review?!? (Here I would insert various emojis, but this is not my phone. HA) Jobs have start and end times. (Another HA!) A mother’s job is never over, and I’m never off the clock. Silly! Jobs have pay and promotions and raises. The only thing that is raised for a mom is the height of her children, and I will be honest that mothering the 20 year-olds is more painful than staying up all night with a puking child. (I’m sorry if that scares the snot out of moms of littles!) We must release the notion and expectation that we would be recognized for our work, unlike some of our previous job experiences.

• I also remind myself that being Mom is not my only role. Although it feels like an all-consuming role, I may also have a job, I may be a volunteer. I have roles I play at church, like Sunday school teacher. I am a wife. I am a daughter. I am a sister and an aunt. Some of you may be a student. You may be on boards. You might be a coach. WE don’t expect any of those roles to completely fulfill us. We don’t expect that every week as coach or teacher that we are told what a WONDERFUL job we are doing. If we looked at our bosses and got upset because they hadn’t told us anything nice in a while, we might not get to keep that job! I must remind myself that mom isn’t all that I am. When I look at the collection of all the roles I occupy, I’m not too disappointed. I kind of like who I am. And I personally find it necessary to remind myself that I am a daughter of God. God approves me just as I am, whether I perform up to his standards or not (and thank God for that, because his standards are hmmmm….well, high). He loves and smiles at me all the time.