Why I Don’t Like Grace….

But desperately need it!

I have a love/hate relationship with grace. Like exercise, I know it’s good for me, but that doesn’t make me like it.

See, I don’t want to NEED grace. I want to be the person who’s got my crap together, who doesn’t let anyone down, who never drops the ball. As I’m typing, I realize that statement is just dripping in self-righteousness and pride. YUCK.

I know grace is a beautiful thing. I know grace came to save a wretch like me. But now, honestly, I don’t want to be a wretch anymore, and I don’t want to need saving.

I’m thankful God saved me, and indeed, I was a wretch. I had indulged in all the bad and dirty the world had to offer, and I knew I needed a Savior.

But after my Come-to-Jesus-moment, after beautiful grace washed all my sins away (and they were many), without ever saying it or even thinking about it, my perspective was “I got it from here.”

‘Thank you God for saving me. Thank you for giving me your Spirit to live in me and help me. Thank you for giving me the Bible, your book that contains all wisdom, which will help me live this Christian life.”

But then, like a child, I gathered all these new gifts into my backpack, swung it onto my shoulder, and waved farewell to God: “Thanks for everything! I’m on way! I think I’ve got everything I need!”

What pride I have when I presume I no longer need God’s presence, His mercies that are new DAILY, and His grace which picks me up after EVERY misstep! God didn’t save me to send me off alone to get this thing right on my own. That’s prideful thinking, to think I won’t need grace. Yet for a long time, I’ve acted like I don’t need Him, at least not much.

What happens when we’ve spent a lifetime pulling ourselves up by our own bootstraps only to find we still have ugly habits and glaring flaws? I tried hard, but I can’t fix my sin. I can’t undo my failures. We all have relationships in which we’ve offended, let down, betrayed. We all struggle with addictions, big and small, which threaten to pull us under daily.

I screwed up royally the other day. I stood up a new friend on a coffee date I planned.  Not on purpose. But I forgot to put it on my calendar, and I had some urgent things come up. My friend is sitting at a coffee shop, disappointed…irritated? She only had my email, and so she reached out: Are you coming? I never checked my email. I’m sure she went home a little miffed, like why the heck did she stand me up?

When I saw her email hours later, my heart sunk. I almost cried. I had let her down, someone I wanted to make a good impression on. She had gone back to work after being stood up, (in my mind) disgusted she had wasted her time.  I chided myself for being so careless. “I am so rude! Thoughtless! An Awful person!” I reached out right away, offering the most pathetic apologies I knew how. I must have said I was sorry a dozen times. I wanted her to understand I understood how wrong I was!

And despite HER feelings, she extended to me GRACE. I’m sure it was a conscious choice. She might have chosen to make sure I understood how much I let her down. How it felt to sit alone, waiting, watching. She said none of that. She said “It’s okay.” “I understand.” “Let’s plan another time to meet.” GRACE. PURE GRACE.

I didn’t want to need that grace, but in my time of need, when it is given? I bow my head, acknowledge my failure…and receive. And that exchange is humbling…and dare I say, sanctifying? It reminds me I am frail. I am weak. I am broken. I will never stop needing saving, because I am human. I will never reach a place where I don’t need grace.

When we see ourselves as above needing grace, we miss the exchange that takes place with God, the beauty of placing our brokenness into his hands, and receiving His undeserved, selfless, never-condemning grace.

When I face what a wretch I am…still am…I can go to my Father. Instead of telling Him “I got this,” I admit “I am broke without you, every day.” I need grace. And He continuously holds out grace with no strings attached. A gift. Free. I lift my palms up outstretched to receive His gift.

Grace is a beautiful gift,  the gift of another chance. For today…tomorrow…the next day.

I still need grace. I  wish I could cut through all the messing up that leads me to grace, but since I’m going to keep screwing up, I might start learning to like and delight in it (the grace, not the screwing up :). Yep, might even learn to love it.

Might today be the day you finally receive the grace reaching out to you, or the moment you extend grace to someone else? Don’t hold back…receive.

Much love,

Elisabeth